


Stiles' plan

by fangirl_from_the_bookstore



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: But still sad, Depressed Stiles, Derek Helps Stiles, Happy Ending, I am sorry in advance, M/M, Stiles Helps Derek, YouTuber Derek, i've tried something new, sterek, sterek fluff, warning triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-15 18:10:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11811450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl_from_the_bookstore/pseuds/fangirl_from_the_bookstore
Summary: I turn on my laptop, go on youtube and click on his video. He is talking to me. “Hey guys, it's Derek.” Talking about the new game he is playing. It takes a few seconds and I am better. I am starting to smile and my chest doesn't feel tight anymore. I can breathe.





	1. The plan

**Author's Note:**

> It's me again :)
> 
> This time I tried something different. I am on youtube a lot so I thought why not make a youtube sterek fanfic and here it is.  
> I've covered a sensitive topic, so if anyone needs to talk just write me or seek help and go to friends and family  
> Be safe ♥
> 
> Maybe I'll do a part 2 or so with derek and stiles meeting up but I don't know yet
> 
> Have fun reading it!

I can't. It's too much. I don't know what to do. I don't want to annoy anyone, but I am done.

Empty.

Dull.

Tired.

Crushed down by everything.

Sounds pathetic and exaggerated, right? I know. But this is it. There is this huge big shadow over me and I can't shake it. I feel like crying, but I can't.

My dad knows this, I can see the way he is looking at me. But he also knows, that I would never admit it. We sit at the dinner table talking about this and that but I no longer tap my fingers while I speak or move around. I just sit there, still, having a conversation, smiling.

But the whole time I just think about him. I want to be alone, close the door, sit on my bed and see his face. Because without him I am nothing.

I feel lost.

Useless.

I don't want to, because I am stronger than this! I KNOW THIS! I just... don't want to do it anymore. I am sitting in between people but I feel disconnected to them. They are all so powerfull and then there is me. Human. Not important.

I want to run away.

Hide somewhere.

I don't want to exist anymore.

I hate this feeling.

I hate me.

I hate everything.

It just hurts.

I am done.

There is too much to do, too much to think about, too many decisions. I hate this. I don't care if something is happening to me, I feel dull and empty.

There is nothing.

No thought.

No feeling.

Just nothing.  
I just wanna stay in bed and don't think, don't act, don't. My throat hurts from uncried tears.

I am pathetic.

I hate it.

I hate this.

I hate me.

I can't look in the mirror without crying on the inside.

I know what you are thinking. I should talk to my friends, because they can help me. But they wouldn't listen. Because people don't really care. They always act like they do, but in reality, they don't want you to bring them down. So I am just gonna sit here and stare into the distance, waiting, until I can finally go home. Because then I can see him again.

I don't want to anymore.

Just leave me.

I am done.

I am so hungry it hurts. But I can't eat. My stomach is screaming at me, angrily twisting and turning. My mouth is dry and my hands are shaking.

But I can't eat.

I don't want to.

Maybe it is better if I am just gone.

They are all staring at me. They see my dark circles under my eyes and my shaking hands. But I just smile and tell them I am fine, even though they can see I am not.

What is happening to me?

Why am I like this?

I hate it.

I hate me.

I want to run away.

But I can't. I am stuck at home.

I didn't shower in a week. I feel dirty and sweaty, but I don't have enough strength to shower. My hair is messy, because I haven't combed it in days. My teeth feel like sandpaper, but I can't be bothered to brush them. I am pathetic. Why can't it just stop?

I turn on my laptop, go on youtube and click on his video. He is talking to me. “Hey guys, it's Derek.” Talking about the new game he is playing. It takes a few seconds and I am better. I am starting to smile and my chest doesn't feel tight anymore. I can breathe.

I don't know how he does it. And I can never repay him. But without him I would have nothing. I stay on youtube for the whole day, watching his videos, even though I already know the old ones by heart and the huge weight is getting lighter. I don't feel tired anymore, I am okay.

Sometimes I even catch myself snorting a laughter, because he is just got scared and started screaming. My laugh sounds wrong, I haven't used my voice much. But with every video my smile grows bigger and bigger until my cheeks start hurting from smiling that hard.

I wish I could somehow talk to him or tell him my story. His videos are my salvation.

He saved me. And I will be forever grateful.

It is early morning when I turn off my laptop and everything is back. Trying to find sleep is impossible, but my eyes hurt so much, I can't open them. My heart is racing. I feel hot, then cold. I toss and turn, can't find a position. I try to think about him. About Derek.

His smile.

His eyes.

His humor.

The sound of his laugh.

Somehow I fall asleep. But the dreams are not better. I can't escape.

I mumble in my sleep, begging to wake up or to make the dreams go away. When I wake up I don't feel rested. I start the day again, trying to make it through the day until I can finally watch his videos again.

My name is Stiles.

And this is my plan.

 


	2. The Meet-up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is here yaay!  
> This is a very personal story, so it means a lot to me, that you guys are reading it  
> Derek's speech about suicide is from Markiplier's video, because I owe him everything ♥  
> Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfCBOaqL7AU
> 
> If I do a Chapter 3, then both of them will meet in person and talk about everything, but we will see :)
> 
> Have fun reading it ♥

It is morning when I wake up. I didn't sleep, maybe just for a few hours. I don't feel anything. I get up and my head hurts and everything is spinning. I know I should eat, but something is stopping me.

Another day.

I can get through this.

Just make it through the day.

Until you can see him again.

In school I am as usual. Still. Quiet. Still having conversations. But not really participating.

Then suddenly Scott asks me: “Hey, are you okay? You look horrible.”

I look at him. Does he really want to know? I doubt it, but I still try.

“Yeah, I didn't really sleep that much I-”

“Hey McCall!”, someone is shouting his name and he turns around to talk to him.

“Later buddy, okay?”, he says to me, but he is already on his way to the other side of the cafeteria.

Yeah sure.

Later.

If I am still there.

Nobody cares anyway.

Suddenly I get a notification on youtube from Derek. “Big announcement”. I blink and read the title again. What does he mean?

Slowly I get up and go to the bathroom. Noone is noticing it, but this is no new information. Once I am there I click on the video and I see his face. Hear his voice and my mind stops racing. My muslces relax and I block out every negative thought.

It is a vlog. He talks about this and that and then he says, that he is doing a meet-up. At some towns including mine. He is coming to my town. Derek Hale. Is coming to me. My stomach is twisting and turning, my heart starts to race and I can't help but smile from ear to ear. The date is next friday.

What if?

What if I can see him?

What if this will rescue me?

What if?

….what if he doesn't care?

What if he is not gonna listen like everybody else?

What if?

The whole day at school I am lost in thought. Should I go or should I not? In my head I make a pro and con list.

  
  


PRO

He is my hero.

I have been watching him for years.

He saved me.

Without him I would have nothing. Be nothing.

CON

He won't listen.

There are thousand of other fans like me.

He won't care.

  
  


I sit back. I am about to erase the thought of meeting him, when I think about it again. The thought of seeing him makes my heart flutter. A smile is growing on my face and then I know.

I will see him.

  
  


-

  
  


My dad is calling me for dinner later that night and I slowly blink and get up. I was laying on my bed as usual, because I cant't be bothered to do anything else. My grades are still fine, I do the minimum to get a C, but that's about it. My motivation is gone, just like everything else. I am not good enough anyway, so what's the point?

I need a few moments to steady myself. The room is spinning and I hold on to the bed until I can stand up straight. Causiously I step down the stairs, still lost in thoughts.

“I...ehm...”, I start. My voice is raspy and quiet, but my dad stops and looks at me. Normally I don't start a conversation, so this takes him by suprise.

“Yes, kiddo?”

“Ehm...can I go out next friday?”, I slowly look up to him.

He is still startled, doesn't know what to say.

“Yeah....sure...that....that would be great...I mean....”, he mumbles and scratches his head.

“Thanks dad.”, I say quietly and walk up to my room again.

I am not gonna eat anything. But he knows that.

The following week goes on like every other week. I sit silently in between my friends. Doesn't want to talk. But there is something different. Hope. I will see him. I will see Derek Hale.

The day of the event is here.

I couldn't sleep, but this is nothing new.

I take an uber to the place of the event. It is not very far, but my knees are too weak.

I go up to the cashier and show my ticket. He looks at me, notices my dark circles and my sunken cheeks. He raises his eyebrows, which gives me a clear message. 'Not another one of these depressed kids.'

I take a deep breath and line up.

I am so anxious I am about to throw up. My head hurts. My knees and hands start to shake.

What am I doing here?

Nobody wants me here.

He doesn't even know me and I am pretty sure he doesn't want to.

I feel hot then cold. The people next to me are looking at me. STOP LOOKING! I want to scream. This isn't right. I shouldn't be here. This is a mistake. I will ruin everything. Without him I have nothing.

And then it is my turn. I walk around the courner and there he is.

I can't breathe.

The guy who has helped me through all these years is standing in front of me.

My hero.

He is still talking to someone but then he slowly turns around to meet my glance. His movements stop mid-air and we both are just staring at each other. Derek is the first one to find his voice.

“Hey, I am Derek, but I think you already knew that. And you are?”

“S-Stiles.”, my voice is barely a whisper.

“Well Stiles, it is very nice to meet you.”, he smiles and my heart flutters. He sees me. He is actually here. Talking to me.

I don't know what to say.

“You want me to sign that?”, he asks me and takes my photo of him with my favourite quote.

“'If you're going through hell, keep going.' Did you write this?”

“Yeah, I just...I don't know.”

Derek looks at me. I can see it in his eyes. He thinks I am weird. I shouldn't have come. My eyes start to water. My chest tightens. My palms are getting sweaty.

“I like it.”, he finally says and smiles. I stare at him. I don't know what to say. His manager tells him to keep going. The look on his face is totally emotionless. He reminds me of my friends. He doesn't care. He just does his job. Nothing less. Nothing more. I can almost read his mind. _Pathetic little kid._

I shouldn't have come.

The room starts to spin and I can't hear anything. Derek notices this and steps closer. His voice is far away, it's like I am underwater.

“Are you okay? Hey, Stiles?”, he looks concerned and places a hand on my shoulder. I flinch and step back.

Why did he touch me?

Why did he do that?

“Yeah, fine.”, I mumble. I need to get out of here. His manager is looking at me, sighs and raises his eyebrows. He thinks I am pathetic. But who doesn't?

Derek is still looking at me. His eyebrows are raised as well and his hand is still hovering next to my shoulder, but he doesn't try again.

This was a mistake.

He goes back to signing the photo. The ground is swaying, I hold onto the table to steady myself. My breath gets shorter and I feel hot then cold.

As soon as Derek signs the photo I run out of the room. I can hear his voice calling after me, but I don't stop.

Suddenly everyone is looking at me. The blood is rushing through my veins, I can hear it in my ears. My breath shortens even more and I have the feeling like I am going to pass out.

What was I thinking?

Nobody wants me here.

This was a mistake.

I am a mistake.

I run outside. And then I just run back home.

The voices in my head are screaming. STUPID. PATHETIC. DISGUSTING. And I keep running. My heart is beating out of my chest and I feel like my head is gonna explode.

Finally I am home. I close the door and let myself breath.

What have I done?

Without him I have nothing.

I want to cry but my body is too exhausted.

I want to rip the photo apart.

I have ruined everything.

I am about to rip it to shreds, when I see numbers. I stop and look at them. Below my quote is a phrase.

“You can do it. I believe in you.”

And then numbers. A telephone number.

I blink and look at it again. But it is true.

What should I do?

This is ridiculous.

Why did he do it?

Why?

I let myself fall onto my bed. My thoughts are racing.

Why?

I am trying to think of an explanation, but my body can't take it anymore. It is out of energy.

I shouldn't have come.

This was stupid.

I want to scream and kick and cry but nothing comes. Everything hurts, but I just can't take it anymore.

Why did I do this? I have ruined everything. Now I have nothing.

I just want everything to stop.

I let myself fall on my bed and cover my face with my hands. My whole body is trembling and I want to cry. I want to feel something. Anything. But no tears are coming.

I feel sick. I close my eyes and try to steady my breath, but there is no use. With my whole body shaking, my breath comes out harshly and uneven.

My whole room is dark, just a small lamp in the courner spends some light. I never open the curtains, I don't want to see myself.

I let out a deep shaky sigh.

I don't want this.

I can't do it anymore.

Maybe I should just end it.

Here and now.

But I already know, that I am too weak. I am too weak to end everything and it makes me sick! Because there is a small part of my brain still holding on to life and I know that this part is connected to him.

Later that night I get another notification. He uploaded a vlog from the event.

I click on it and I hear his voice. I am still empty inside, but his voice just somehow reaches out to me. I take a deep breath and my muscles start to relax. He starts talking. About the event. About meeting fans. And then he is looking directly at the camera and starts to talk about being alone. And that he is here for anybody who needs help. He will listen.

Is he really gonna listen?

Or is he just like everyone else?

Just before he is gonna end his video he says something so truthful and beautiful, my mouth drops open.

“In reality, suicide is something that affects everybody's lives. Whether it's you directly or someone you know. We all have been touched by it in one way or another and it is such a serious subject and I always wanna make sure that it's given the gravity that it is due. Even it it is not suicide itself, even if you're in any sort of other crisis, you can reach out and get someone who is ready and willing to help you and listen. Seriously listen. And that is sometimes so key in times like this. In reality we need to be there to help people. And we need to be there. And we need to be there for each other. Because I know for a fact in this community, there are thousands of people who are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts every day. And I want you to know that life is worth living. Even if those words seem empty to you, it is. And there are people that care, even if it seems like you're in the darkest, most isolated of places... we really do care and we really wanna be there for you. And there are so many resources that are there to help. And for the handsome guy who now has my number. I am here for you and well...call me.” and he shyly smiles.

The video stops.

I sit back.

What just happened?

The comment section is going crazy. Everybody is talking about this guy who now has his number.

I just sit there.

I don't feel anything.

I don't know what to do.

But then my fingers type in the number and I am calling him. I am calling Derek Hale.

Because I need to feel something.

Maybe he will listen.

Maybe.

My fingers are trembling.

This is ridiculous.

I am about to hang up when the beeping stops and I hear his voice.

“Yes, Derek Hale, hello?”

I gasp.

What do I do?

What do I do?

“Uhm, yeah, hi, this is....this is Stiles..uhm. I don't know if you remember me but...”

“Of course!”, he says, “I was thinking about you the whole day”

“You-you where?”

“Yes! Your quote really stuck with me. I think it is an amazing one. You know, because sometimes you don't think there is any way out of something and you feel like the whole world is against you, but you are so much more than that. If the person just keeps fighting, then he or she is gonna pull through.”

I don't know what to say. A single tear escapes my eye. I am finally crying. Finally someone is listening to me.

Finally I feel it.

It is small, just a glimpse.

Hope.

I feel lighter.

I know I am going to be okay, because I have him by my side. I might not be okay tomorrow or next week, but with his help...I will be fine.

Just one step after another.

  
  


 


	3. Saving lifes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys, that was a journey!  
> Thank you all sooo much for reading and liking it. Like I said, it is very personal, so it means the world to me that I can share it with you guys.  
> So here it is, the last chapter.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it ♥

Derek and I have been talking for a while now. Almost daily actually. Derek has a lot on his mind as well, so both of us always built each other up when the other is feeling down. He always thinks, that he doesn't deserve any of this. All of this support and love from the community. He thinks, that he is not good enough and it kills him that he can't be there for everyone. I always remind him, that he saves so many lifes everyday without even realising it. Just a small video can change someones life.

I am not healed yet or anything, but I feel more rested than I've ever been. Being near him makes me a different person. I am happier. Sometimes I feel so weightless I am afraid I might burst of happiness. It is a weird foreign feeling, but it feels so good, I want to feel it everyday.

Sadly I can't.

Sometimes at night I forget how to breath and the panik attacks are overwhelming me. It feels like I am at the start again. My heart is racing and my whole body is shivering. Somehow Derek seems to know when I need him, so he calls. When I can't answer the phone, because I have my hands pressed to my ears to stop the voices in my head, he sends me a message so I can read it, when I am feeling better. When I slowly pick up the phone, he just soothes me to sleep again. He often tells me about his new video ideas or about his day. It is totally random, but his voice calms me down. There is no need for me to talk or to have a conversation with him, I couldn't do it even if I would try, because my body isn't responding to me.

He is my light at the horizon. My new home.

On a good day I even manage a laugh here and there or a small joke. All my friends are surprised, that I am participating in their conversations, but they start to include me in their talks again. When they do this, I feel free and...happy.

  
  


-

  
  


It is a perfect summer day when Derek and I finally meet in person. At first it feels super weird and awkward to be face to face, but this feeling goes away very quickly. We talk about everything, go get some ice cream and afterwards we watch 'Spider-Man: Homecoming' in the cinema.

I know it sounds cliché, but I have never been happier until that day. We are sitting next to each other in the cinema and my arms are on the armrest. When the climax of the movie is happening, I gasp and grab his hand. I am too focused on the movie to notice it at first. Derek looks at our intertwined hands and then up to me. I feel his glance on me, so I look back and notice our hands as well.

“Oh, I am sorry, I didn't mean to.”, I say quietly, but before I can do anything he just smiles and squeezes my hand.

“Don't worry about it.”, he smiles at me. At first I am shocked, but then I relax and smile. How do I deserve this? None of us move for the rest of the movie, because it feels...right.

  
  


-

  
  


In the evening I take the longest and warmest shower I had in days. I must have been under it for at least half an hour. The warm water relaxes my shoulders and I let it drip down my face. It feels so good! I feel peacefull. A feeling I didn't feel for a long time.

Everytime I think of him, I smile. I already miss him.

The next few days nothing changes. We keep texting or calling each other. I even start to eat dinner with my dad again. The look on his face was hilarious when I sat down to eat with him, but he got a hold of himself very quickly and we both ate in silence.

One night I am on Instagram and see, that a lot of people tagged Derek in an article. I click on it and then I see them. Paparazzi photos of him and me. With comments.

“Who is this crazy fan?”

“This is Derek Hale's new friend?”

I go back on his Instagram and the comments are even worse.

“Omg who is this??”

“Look what he is wearing!”

“Why would he ever meet up with someone like this?”

“Haha omg look at this one!”

“I doubt that there is something going on. I mean look at him! Pathetic little boy thinking he means something to him!”

It is just a minor setback, but this last comment is enough.

I break down.

I don't want to, but I can't help it. It's like my body isn't responding to me anymore. My head says, that I shouldn't overthink it. The comments shouldn't bring me down. Just some stupid kids, who are jealous.

Yeah, that's it. Now breathe, Stiles, breathe. I try to calm myself, but it is already too late. The voices in my head are starting to get louder. YOU SHOULD HAVE GUESSED IT! WHO WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

I lock my door, close the curtains and let myself fall on my bed. This can't be happening again. I WAS HAPPY! Things were looking up. And now this! I press my hands to my hears in an effort to try to shut down the voices. But I can't. Even though I want to, the voices are getting louder every minute.

It is not fair! Why does is keep happening to me?

I want to fight the urge to just give up.

But I am just so tired.

Tired of being let down.

Tired of being tired.

Tired of life.

I should end it, right here, right now.

I want to call someone and tell them how I feel, but I don't want to annoy anyone. I am pretty sure they wouldn't care anyway. I just want someone to change my mind. To tell me, that I will get through this. I feel totally numb. I hear my father knocking at the door, but I can't move.

Breathe, Stiles. You have been through worse. Just breathe and calm down! I get angry at myself. Why do you freak out so much? It was just a comment! Jesus Christ Stiles! But it isn't helping. My mind and heart is still racing.

My thoughts wander to Derek.

Did he read the comments?

Is he thinking the same things?

Maybe I should-

A small knock on my door interrupts my thoughts. I don't know how long I have been just laying on my bed. Unable to move. Unable to shut down my mind. It knocks again. Not now dad.

“Dad, I-”

The door slowly opens and Derek is there.

How?

Why?

“Your father let me in, I am sorry to bother you, but...I just...needed to see you”, he doesn't know what else to say, so he just stands in the door.

I am still confused. Why is he here? I look up from my position, hands still shaking. But at least the voices in my head are getting quieter. I don't know how he does it, but seeing him here gives me the strength to sit up. I meet his glance and try to smile.

“Hi.”, I croak.

Derek slowly moves to sit on my bed. He waits for me to tell him to stop, but when I don't complain, he places his hand on my cheek.

I close my eyes and lean into the touch. I am too weak to shake his hand off and I've missed this so much. A tear escapes my eye.

“How do you feel?”, he asks me carefully.

“I am fine.”, I whispered.

“No you're not. Stop with the bulllshit. Don't block me out, I am here for you.”, Derek says determinatively.

We had this conversation already. Last time he got mad at me for always saying 'I am fine', even though I am not. But I just can't help it. I don't even need to think about another answer when people ask me if I am okay, because they all wouldn't care anyway. It's like my body is already programmed to say 'I am okay'.

I take a deep shaky breath.

“Please tell me what is wrong, Stiles.”, he is pleading me.

“You really want to know?”, I ask him carefully.

“Yes.”, he whispers.

I take another breath and try to steady my breathing.

“So you really want to know? Why I am like this? Why everyday I need the strength to get up again, but sometimes it is too much so I just stay in bed all day? It hurts, okay? And it never stops. I can't sleep anymore. Whenever I close my eyes, I...I see and feel pain. I just can't take it anymore. My friends don't care about my problems. My dad thinks I am totally out of my mind. I can't think straight, because the voices in my head are killing me. Whatever I do... I always do the wrong thing...Sometimes I just want everything to stop. And before I met you I...I was thinking about ending it all.”

“I-I didn't know, I am sorry.”, he takes his hand off my cheek and lowers his head.

“Wait, I wasn't finished”, I say with a small smile and take his hands in mine.

“Yes, I feel that way and yes, it is awfull, but...but when I see you, everything is fine.”

Derek looks at me confused. Tears are shimmering in his eyes.

“I don't know how you do it, but it is you who helps me through the day. You and your videos. When I hear you voice, I...I feel like I am home. Everything makes sense and I can finally breathe! At some days you are the only one who can make me smile. Just by being there for me through your videos.”

We are both crying now.

“I am so sorry about the photos and the comments and I didn't know someone was taking pictures and well I should have expected it, but-”, Derek took a shaky breath, “it is all my fault. I am so sorry.”

“Hey, it's okay, seriously. It is not your fault okay? It is not your fault.”

He swallows and nods his head. “Yeah, maybe.”

“Hey, hey Derek, look at me”, I take his head in my hands and emphasize every word, “It is not your fault.”

Slowly he looks up to me.”What can I do to fix this?”

“Just be here with me, okay?”

“Always.”

His head is still in my hands and he places his hands over mine. We stare into each others eyes for a while. For a split second he is looking at my lips. I give him a small smile. Derek comes closer, but he is waiting for me.

He doesn't want to do anything wrong. But this here is perfect.

I close the distance and place a small kiss on his lips. It is sweet and innocent, but it gives both of us strength.

Strength for him. To remind himself, that it's not his fault. Strength to forgive himself.

And strength for me.

Strength to make it through another day.

Strength to continue.

Because Derek Hale just saved my life.

 


End file.
